Listening Stone is the new name for Teddy Bear Tech Support. This page has only been partially edited to reflect the change.
Teddy Bear Talk Support (TBTS) is about getting to think better by thinking out loud and being given plenty of room to do so. To make more space for the power of listening to work its magic, Teddy Bear Talk Support requires a minimal amount of "doing" on the part of the people that are providing the support.
Here’s just how minimal it can be:
- At a university computer center in the 1990s, there was a technical support help desk that had a teddy bear to greet you when you came for help. The rule was that before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support help desk were able to save a lot of time this way.
Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable. There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you.
Teddy Bear Talk Support provides structure to help listeners "do" less. In terms of the social dynamics, if we make it easier and expected for listeners to mainly remain silent, what possibilities can this afford?
A talker hands someone a listening stone and asks them to hold it with the intention of "walking" alongside them as they navigate and process.
Could a listener's presence and attention be felt more? Could there be more hearing and being with for both the talker and the listener?
Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable. There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you. As a result, the point of focus can change. You can hear yourself differently. What you have to say can unfold in a very different way.
They are about exploring different modes of interacting with people where you bring other people into your process in minimal ways. By "your process," I simply mean the process of how you're going about something or thinking about something. With Listening Stone conversations, there are all kinds of things that something could be:
- everyday issues: whether to include or leave something out of an email, whether or not to actually buy something that you're just about to buy
- major life issues: taking stock on where you're at with being unhappy with parts of your job and what you might want to do about it
- assignments for class or for work: working on a report on suspected causes for a trend
- projects: scheming about planning a surprise for someone, working on longer-term projects that can be lonely to carry out like research projects or writing projects.
Adding in someone else's presence and attention when we're working on these things can not only help us arrive at better outcomes with our process, it can also create possibilities for more connection and for different ways of connecting.
Teddy Bear Talk Support requires a minimal amount of "doing" on the part of the people that are providing the support.
As a result, the point of focus can change. You can hear yourself differently. What you have to say can unfold in a very different way.
Teddy Bear Tech Support was inspired by the story about the teddy bear at the tech support help desk, but note well that tech support is NOT what this is about!!! Also, the role of the teddy bear need not be played by a stuffed animal.
With Teddy Bear Tech Support, we're looking at having humans play the role of the teddy bear. So, "teddy bears" can be real live people that you talk to in real time. Or, you can have interactions with teddy bears by talking to real or imagined people by writing to them, or by talking to recording devices.
So, what might you talk through during a Listening Stone conversation?
- Whatever thoughts come to mind as you try to wade in when you're not sure where to start
- Prioritizing your day
- Making your intentions clearer with an email you just finished drafting out
- Fleshing out some different possibilities that could address an issue
- Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation you need to have
What minimal things might you ask a listener to do?
- serve as a silent witness
- do some paraphrasing of parts of what you've said
- offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)
- make guesses at the core of what's important
At the heart of what Listening Stone conversations are about is giving talkers an environment
- where the focus is on bringing their own resources to bear to the matters at hand
- where the processing that the talkers are doing is to be supported with highest priority (so that the thoughts and impulses, e.g., to give advice, of the listeners don't threaten to encroach on the talker's processing)
So, with Listening Stone setups, it’s about getting to interact with someone in a way that makes it so you are better able to help yourself. We are keeping what listeners are "doing" to a minimum and letting them know that a key part of their job involves staying out of your way.
The listener might not be "doing" much, but their presence and attention can make all the difference. With the listener there holding the space with you, what to say or do next can become clear. What becomes the point of focus changes. Some things can become immediately obvious. You can hear yourself differently. Someone is paying attention, and a lot can change because of that.
Since listeners aren't asked to do much, will Listening Stone conversations make it easier to reach out and connect with people? Easier for talkers to ask someone to be a listener? Easier for someone to introduce the idea of Listening Stone conversations to a potential talker and offer to be a listener on the fly? The hope is, yes!
- A talker and a listener have agreed to be in Listening Stone mode for 5 - 10 minutes. The talker has requested that the listener listen silently unless the talker asks them to do some paraphrasing of what the talker has said.
Taking timed turns and offering questions in writing
- 2 - 3 people have decided to start their day by taking turns being talkers and listeners with each other over Zoom. They will use a timer to give each person 7 minutes for their turn as the talker. They agree that listeners can offer questions in writing at any time by using the chat. It is understood that the talker can feel free to not answer the questions by simply continuing to talk, and the talker is encouraged to do what feels best for them in the moment. Since the chat can be easily saved, the questions can be saved to be thought about later.
- 1 Note: Work in progress
- 2 An example
- 3 What situations might you talk about?
- 4 Why minimal? Why have constraints?
- 5 Ready to try it out?
- 6 How does the magic work?
- 7 Same page enough
- 8 Exploring content and processes that you tend not to include others in
- 9 Operating in different modes than usual
- 10 Teddy bears as well as talkers are likely to get a 3rd party perspective on issues in their own lives
- 11 Examples of kinds of Talkers and Listeners
- 12 Many easy ways to recruit Listeners
- 13 Listening Stone conversations from the Listener's perspective
- 14 Connecting more and connecting differently
- 15 References
Note: Work in progress
This page is under construction. What follows is a work in progress. One thing I'd like to make more progress on is adding more stories and examples to this website. So, if through giving Listening Stone conversations a try or if you've already been doing some form of Listening Stone conversations and have things to share with me, please get in touch with me by contacting me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
One way to give Listening Stone conversations a try is by going to the Listening Stone Signup (http://listeningstone.org/signup). This is a scheduling signup you can use to both find and propose times to have Listening Stone conversations with people, and it also lists "on-call" times when you can call and talk to a listener without having to arrange anything beforehand.
Let's look at a setup involving a real live person in real time. Let's first look at the most minimal setup for that, where the human teddy bear is serving as a silent witness. Just like if you were talking to a stuffed animal teddy bear who can't understand what you're talking about anyway, you can talk about anything you might want to think out loud about with your human teddy bear. (Not just tech support issues!) It's fine if they can't follow what you're saying that closely. They can still hold the space for you in ways that are supportive. For example, we use TBTS in a "can't follow closely" way during my weekly co-working meetings with a writing partner where we each are working on our own writing projects. My writing partner and I take breaks from writing every 20 minutes and take 3-minute turns serving as teddy bears for each other. We are often smack dab in the middle of something and just start talking as if the other person had a much better idea of what we were talking about than they do.
What changes now that someone else is paying attention? One big difference with having someone to talk to is that, to some extent, you're imagining what the other person is paying attention to, what are they expecting to hear you say, what parts are likely to stand out for them, etc. These things are factoring in to what you're saying to the teddy bear.
So, then, you might automatically start explaining things you don’t think you need to explain to yourself. You might end up listing off some key things or key points that can shed light on the situation. You might start to see things from a third party perspective. Such things can often lead to big shifts or profound insights.
You may have experienced this already in normal conversations. I have. Sometimes, but not necessarily, it's happened to be that the other person hadn't said very much in the conversation. Sometimes it's because they were trying to find something to say but couldn't come up with anything. When I've ended up with great insights and heartily thanked the person, "But, I didn't do anything!" has sometimes been the response.
But they are doing something for me. When “human teddy bears” serve as silent witnesses, they bring with them their facial expressions, the nodding of their heads, the puzzled looks they get on their faces, and the regard for me that they are holding me with. Just with things like that, the space is held differently for me. I hear myself differently. Someone is paying attention. As a result, some things can become immediately obvious. What I focus on changes. What to say or do next can become clear. The teddy bear's very presence changes things for me.
Note that it can be because the other person didn’t "do anything" beyond give me their presence and attention that something was facilitated for me. They held the space and gave me plenty of room to take things where I needed to go. I was able to benefit from the power of listening. I was "heard to speech" as Parker Palmer likes to describe it. Because they were there with me in the way that they were, it made possible my saying what I said, and it made possible all that came with getting to have said it.
What situations might you talk about?
Anything you might want to think out loud about (or out on paper about). (Not just tech support issues!) Maybe it’s a situation where it’s not immediately obvious where to start or how to get some traction. Maybe it’s something you’ve been working on, an email, a presentation, a piece of writing, etc., and it’d be helpful to get clearer on what the gist of it is. Maybe it’s something you want to get a piece of hammered out or untangled. Or maybe it’s something you want to reflect on.
For example, you might be working on an elevator pitch for being able to quickly tell someone about a project. You have already succinctly written out the "What?" and the "How?" for your project. Now, you're working on saying more about the "Why?" and seeing if you can get that in as close to the beginning of your elevator pitch as you can.
Or, you might be needing to initiate a difficult conversation with someone and be wanting to figure out what requests you might want to make of the person.
Or it could be something really quick and simple, like wanting to come up with a sentence or two to make a transition from one paragraph to the next in something you're writing.
Why minimal? Why have constraints?
One reason to constrain what listeners do to be minimal is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so your listener only mirrors back to you parts of what you’ve said at times when the listener thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what you said or reflects back in the listener’s own words what you’ve said.
Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple listeners supporting one focus person where the listeners can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions.
The following excerpts from Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee give a sense for what this listening stone setup is about:
- Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience.
- Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, honest and open questions, questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.
The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person. Click here for a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and listeners that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions. I'm holding these sessions on Wednesdays from 6:45 - 7:45 pm Eastern over Zoom. Go to the Opportunities Signup to sign up (by two hours in advance).
Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be minimal are:
- so we're less in performance mode
- so we're more in more freely talking just see how things unfold mode
- so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode
- so there's less need to handle social dynamics
- so there's more hearing and being with
- so we can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what we're saying, so we can even start in the middle of the story of whatever we're thinking about
- so we can connect more often in more different ways, because you can have teddy bears support you for short lengths of time with more different content
- so we can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities
- so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability
- so we can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into
TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations. We can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that you can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, we can be talking more at length with teddy bears. We can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help us with achieving a goal or establishing a habit. Or, we can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping us make one decision. The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that the "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as the "talkers." The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently. It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.
By being included in these "minimal" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys in meaningful ways.
- When you listen generously to people they can hear the truth in themselves, often for the first time.
- -Rachel Naomi Remen
Ready to try it out?
So, what could you think through with someone? Maybe you already have something in mind. Like maybe you've got
- something you're musing about,
- or something you're trying to fix,
- or something you want to do a dry run for.
Or maybe you don't have anything in mind and are looking for some things you could think through with someone (be it in real time, or in writing, or with a recording device). The next four subsections provide some different ideas.
"Maybe I could ... "
Does prompting yourself with the words "Maybe I could ..." to start you talking help you think of something?
- For example, "Well, I have this summarizing sentence at the end of my email. Maybe I could write a different version of it that I could also put at the beginning of my email. Well, but ___________. Yeah, maybe I don't want to ___________. But, wait, if I leave out that part of the sentence and ___________. Then, maybe if I ___________. Yes, that'll do the trick. I think that's worth doing."
- Or, "I want to have a better way of handling my "out the door" items that I need to take with me when I'm leaving the house. Maybe I could always put my ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that? What if ___________? Maybe that would help. So, then, if I can count on that, then ___________. Which means I can ___________. So, if I move ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that??? What if ___________? ..."
- Brain dump or check-in for 5 - 10 minutes at the start of a work cycle. For example, this could be to start you back up after you've taken a break for lunch on Mondays.
- More frequent helpful meetings. Think of the meetings that you already have in your schedule. Could it be helpful to have more frequent meetings involving those people except that you'd have teddy bears that you met with instead of the actual people. Examples: advisors, mentors, colleagues, organizers.
Spur of the moment
- "Don't feel like it" support or "Instead of cleaning the toilet" support - When you want to get yourself to start working on something and don't feel like doing it, and especially if you're about to go clean the toilet because even that sounds like a more attractive job to do, reaching out to a teddy bear might be just the thing to try for getting yourself in gear.
- See the section Including others before you're ready (before the material is anywhere near shareable)
- Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to. Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.
The Opportunities Signup
- One way to try it out is to go to the Opportunities Signup (bitly.com/oppsignup). This is a scheduling signup you can use to both find and propose times to do Teddy Bear Tech Support with people, and it also lists "on-call" times when you can call and talk to a human teddy bear without having to arrange anything beforehand.
Talk out loud with the TBTS Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597
- Another way of doing Teddy Bear Tech Support is to call the TBTS Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597. Calling this number takes you straight to voicemail and allows you to be on the call for up to three minutes (no matter if you are talking or remaining silent). I've been surprised time and time again how incredibly fruitful I find it to talk to a teddy bear that is merely a recording device. By providing this phone number as an easy, concrete way to immediately do TBTS, I hope it paves the way for others to easily reap the benefits for themselves as well. Note: Calling this number gives you a way to have the space held for you for the time that you are on the call, without providing you (or anyone else) access to the recording after the call is over. All recordings left at this number will be deleted without being listened to.
How does the magic work?
Heard to speech
Because you are there hearing what I have to say, that elicits different speech to come out of me. Often, because of how I'm experiencing being heard, I can be heard into deeper and deeper speech.
As a talker, I'm in the here and now with this person having this one particular interaction. It's a different context, a supportive context, that the listener is helping to create, and it offers this opportunity to take a stab with discovering what happens as I hear what I have to say.
As my co-working writing partner put it, "It's amazing how I know what to say when someone is listening."
Mere presence of a teddy bear
Left to our own devices, we will tend to go down certain paths. The mere presence of a teddy bear can be all it takes for us to be finding ourselves going down different sets of paths. I might be able to stay more focused on what's important or what needs the most attention, or have better self talk, or think more big picture, etc.
Here are some other possibilities that could all just be from the mere presence of the teddy bear or could involve the teddy bear playing a more active role:
- You're getting to hear how it sounds to yourself to be saying these things.
- You might uncover assumptions that you didn't even know that you were making.
- The setup puts you in a whole different mindset than before.
- The teddy bear's presence has you benefiting from the feeling that help is right within reach.
- Having a teddy bear along for the ride can cause different things to jump out at you automatically. So, one reason to recruit a teddy bear is because things can feel much easier when they are happening automatically, and this can help you with building momentum and gaining traction.
Imagining/simulating what is going on for the teddy bear
Because you're likely to be automatically imagining/simulating what is going on for the teddy bear, again, the mere presence of the teddy bear can be all it takes for you to reap great benefits.
Not only does the teddy bear not have to say anything, but you're not having to respond to anything. So, for the talker, they can keep a lot of the benefits of working as if they were by themselves and yet still benefit from engaging with someone else. It doesn't take the time it would take for them to say things to you or for you to respond to these things, and it doesn't take the managing of social dynamics to handle these things.
One thing that's particularly interesting with TBTS is that what you are imagining need not be anything like what's actually going on for the teddy bear. It doesn't have to be about that. It can be about your experience as the talker and what the imagining of these things does for you in terms of what you're then saying or thinking.
Small things can make big differences
So, it might be something the talker is "inaccurately" imagining is going on for the teddy bear that leads to an insight, or it can even be a misunderstanding that provides just what you needed. It might be any number of things and they can be anything from fairly random to more predictably helpful. What the talker finds helpful can have many sources, including:
- something about the teddy bear's presence causes you to talk about things in a different order, and that makes something you've been avoiding working on much easier to handle
- a word that gets said that makes an idea pop into your head
- the teddy bear raises an eyebrow and that changes everything
- the teddy bear provides needed extra emphasis on something by mirroring it back to you
- the teddy bear leaves out an important point while mirroring back what you said, and leaving it out helps to highlight it for you. This might cause you to then say it again or rephrase it for your teddy bear or flesh out more of why it’s important to you, and you might find doing one of these things to be particularly helpful.
Rubber ducking is a species of Teddy Bear Tech Support where computer programmers debug their code by talking to rubber ducks. The spirit of both TBTS and rubber ducking is to facilitate your being better able to help yourself. One Rubber Ducking/TBTS technique that works well is to have an expert as your teddy bear and write to them in detail about what's going on. The indented part below is an excerpt from a blog post about Stack Exchange, a network of Q&A communities for computer programmers. The blog post attests to how many people have benefited from how Stack Exchange insists, and are kind of jerks about it, that people who post questions on Stack Exchange put effort in thinking through and writing up their questions with care. Often, investing effort in this way results in helping people to help themselves, and they often figure out the answer to their own problem. For example:
- I don't know how many times this has happened:
- I have a problem
- I decide to bring it to stack overflow
- I awkwardly write down my question
- I realize that the question doesn't make any sense
- I take 15 minutes to rethink how to ask my question
- I realize that I'm attacking the problem from a wrong direction entirely.
- I start from scratch and find my solution quickly.
- Does this happen to you? Sometimes asking the right question seems like half the problem.
- ...the critical part of rubber duck problem solving is to totally commit to asking a thorough, detailed question of this imaginary person or inanimate object.
Clearly, committing to asking a question with care can be very helpful. In general, totally committing to operating in other kinds of modes can also be key and can also be facilitated by TBTS/Rubber ducking.
Committing to proceeding as if there were less uncertainty to what I'm trying to do is one such mode. Committing to operating in this mode can be very hard for me to do when what's going on is all in my head. Talking to a teddy bear (even just a recording device teddy bear) can help me with committing. I can then stick to going down just one path with what I’m saying and continuing to build on it rather than saying, for example, “No, I don’t like that” and doing a lot of starting over. It’s just a whole different ballgame from me just trying to work on things where it’s just me thinking by myself. It’s like the difference between thinking about writing and actually writing. Sitting around thinking about writing (especially if you’re like me and want things to spring perfectly from your head) doesn’t get you to the same places (to say the least) as actually getting things out onto paper does. Sitting around thinking is precisely what happens for me when I try to talk out loud without a person or a recording device listening, I tend to trail off and shift back into just doing a lot of thinking without talking. What's key is to have it feel like someone or something is paying attention. Because of that, the space has been held for me to have a different process unfold.
What's not happening and what's not blocking the talker
For the power of listening to work it's magic, there needs to be things that are not happening. Some things that tend to happen in normal conversation are more innocent, whereas other things that tend to happen are more easily seen as having big drawbacks. In both cases, these habitual ways of talking can be helpful at times, and there can be a place for them when you're not doing Teddy Bear Tech Support.
The handout has a list of what are called empathy blockers on it. Being in empathy with someone is getting a sense for what they're going through in a caring way. The person can then feel like you understand and that you "get it." Empathy blockers make it harder to have the ability to be in empathy with someone. They can shut the person down or make it less likely that they'll provide you with the information that can help you to understand.
Many of the examples on the list are natural ways in which we are used to responding and are often well-intentioned. Notice that many of them involve your having an agenda that you are now trying to talk to the person about and that part of the magic of TBTS is to make it so that the talker can use their time for just their agendas.
It's so easy to have agendas. It's so easy for our assumptions, judgments, and advice to get in the way of connecting with someone. In the next section, we'll see what can happen for the teddy bear if these more innocent parts of normal conversation are not coming into play.
The magic that the teddy bear can experience
Here is a piece by David Castro on Learning to Listen. It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.
- When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.
- After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.
TBTS makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time. Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.
Same page enough
The beauty of TBTS is that you only have to be on the same page enough with your teddy bear. If you don't have the time or desire to get someone fully up to speed with everything, you can still benefit from their support if the name of the game is to just be on the same page enough.
The teddy bear only has to get the gist of some aspect of what you're talking about to be able to come along for the ride with you. It could be just to see how frustrated you are with what's happening. There are different things like this that you can follow about what's going on with the talker as they go along that allow your presence to be felt by the talker, especially if later the talker stumbles on a solution to what's been frustrating to them and you can then knowledgeably join in the celebration.
Because all that's required is that you're both on the same page enough, this can help the talker get into freely improvising mode.
Here's one example where it didn't take much to get my listener on the same page enough as me. All I had to do was repeatedly say the words "grumble grumble grumble," and this proved to be a very satisfying way to do it. In fact, it definitely felt more satisfying than if I had spelled things out with more words. Saying "grumble grumble grumble" over and over again was a great way to acknowledge, validate, and sit with how I was feeling. The content of the words I would've said instead of "grumble grumble grumble" didn't matter. It was getting to feel the feeling that mattered. So, this made it so the content of the words didn't have undue influence.
Not the other person's page instead of yours
Here's a sentiment that often rings true for me: I don't know what I think until I've heard what I've had to say. I get to find out what comes out of my mouth when I shift into think out loud mode. So, I benefit a lot from getting to talk through things with people. As I talk, if I've found that I've said something particularly helpful or insightful, it helps if I can immediately take the ball and run with it. But, I don't always get to. Often, I find myself feeling like I'm chasing the other person around. They've got their own ideas and their own agendas, and I'm trying to work within the rules of normal social dynamics to steer them back to a place that I want to explore.
What TBTS is not about: Having the teddy bear expound on "If I were the talker, here's how I would go about things.
It's not to have the teddy bear do our work for us or live our lives for us. In fact, when there's a tendency for these things, it's possible that setting up a clear teddy bear setup could allow us to interact with the teddy bear in a way that is more connecting (especially when we have teddy bears who often make lots of suggestions and who tend to have agendas for us).
Exploring content and processes that you tend not to include others in
It might be easy for you to imagine including someone in your process for the following situations: getting help with wording something, asking someone which of two choices they like better, and getting feedback on something that's almost done and that you're almost ready to share with the world.
But, one thing that Teddy Bear Tech Support is about is including someone in your process for things you normally wouldn't include them in, and it's about how both the talker and the teddy bear can benefit from doing this more often.
Getting to connect with other people while working on what's typically done all by yourself, and having the support of others help you be more effective with doing this work.
As you read through the following excerpt, see how it also applies if you substitute "think out loud with someone" whenever you see the word "write."
- ...write before you're ready. Write what you know about the topic, write about how you plan to cover the topic, write about things you need to know - anything to get you going.
- Why does it save time to write before you're ready? Because you find out what you need to know. If you do lots of reading before you write, you end up reading lots of stuff that isn't relevant. If, instead, you write first, then you know what information you need for your argument, and you're much more efficient in finding it and reading it. Writing regularly ends up saving you time.
- And you'll be more creative. Boice in another experiment found that daily writers produced five times as many new ideas per week as academics who were not writing but who were instructed to note down new ideas when they thought of them.
- Experienced, highly productive writers don't wait to be inspired to write - instead, they write to be inspired.
For me, it's often about talking about things that I am far from having worked out and need to do some casting about for a while without worrying about being all that coherent. I often don't know what I think until I've heard what I've had to say. So, I like being able to say, "Hey, let's flip into 'Teddy Bear' mode" when these things arise. Teddy Bear mode needn't last more than a couple minutes. So, I put together this Teddy Bear Tech Support website to explain Teddy Bear mode, so that more people could at least benefit from these brief Teddy Bear interactions if not from the other kinds that I've described on this page.
Nowhere near shareable thoughts include:
- not sure what you might say
- quarter-baked ideas (even less baked than half-baked ideas)
Operating in different modes than usual
Getting something down vs thinking something up mode
With the following excerpt, notice how shifting to thinking out loud with someone can help you make the shift to "getting something down" mode. When I see something I'm writing appear on the piece of paper, I tend to evaluate it much more than if instead I'm hearing what I have to say. Spoken words are just there in that moment and then gone the next, whereas written words are lasting. Because they can be looked at more than once, I get more self-conscious about written words and hold them to higher standards. Also, I feel like people will expect me to go back and fix what I've written, but cut me much more slack with what I've said. So, for me, thinking out loud automatically shifts me into a lower expectations, let's just see what happens mode, similar to the getting something down mode in the following excerpt.
- One of the simplest and smartest things I ever learned about writing is the importance of a sense of direction. Writing is about getting something down, not thinking something up. Whenever I strive to ‘think something up,’ writing becomes something I must stretch to achieve. It becomes loftier than I am, perhaps even something so lofty, it is beyond my grasp. When I am trying to think something up, I am straining. When, on the other hand, I am focused about just getting something down, I have a sense of attention but not a sense of strain.
When you're the talker, I think the "minimal doing" requirement of TBTS can provide you with more freedom and ease and less strain, helping you discover new thoughts or new ways of saying things or new ways of putting them together as they come out of your mouth.
Teddy bears as well as talkers are likely to get a 3rd party perspective on issues in their own lives
Often teddy bears find that talkers are talking about issues that the teddy bears themselves also face in their own lives. They then get the opportunity to see the issues from a 3rd party perspective of what before they might have only seen from their own first person vantage point.
Talkers can get a 3rd party perspective on things because doing some thinking of what things might look like to the teddy bear as one is talking happens pretty automatically.
Some reasons this is helpful
Purposely talking to yourself by saying your name vs. saying "I" facilitates emotion regulation and self-control. So, if TBTS tends to naturally help you get into the mode of seeing yourself from a 3rd party perspective, or sets things up to get you to refer to yourself in the 3rd person, then you can benefit from the self-distancing that results. So, you're able to make more progress with what you're trying to think through.
The research of Ethan Kross, Ozlem Ayduk, and Jason Moser on 3rd party perspectives
The premise is that "third-person self-talk leads people to think about the self similar to how they think about others, which provides them with the psychological distance needed to facilitate self control." The results suggested that "third-person self-talk may constitute a relatively effortless form of self-control."
Making Meaning out of Negative Experiences by Self-Distancing by Kross and Ayduk 
- What might the implications of adopting a self-distanced versus a self-immersed perspective be for facilitating adaptive self-reflection? Drawing from prior research on self-control and psychological distance (Mischel, Shoda, & Rodriguez, 1989; Trope & Liberman, 2003), we reasoned that a self-immersed perspective would predispose people to focus narrowly on recounting the concrete details of their experience (i.e., what happened?; what did I feel?) rather than on taking the big picture into account in order to make meaning out of their experience (Kross, Ayduk, & Mischel, 2005). In contrast, we hypothesized that adopting a self-distanced perspective would allow people to focus on the broader context in order to reconstrue their experience in ways that would reduce distress. Thus, we predicted that self distancing would facilitate adaptive self-reflection whereas self-immersion would undermine it.
- As these examples illustrate, people who self-distance focus less on recounting their experiences and more on reconstruing them in ways that provide insight and closure.
Examples of kinds of Talkers and Listeners
A kind of talker: Some people get so much out of doing their thinking by talking out loud with someone that the following sentiment rings true for them: "I don't know what I think until I've heard what I've had to say."
Take your listener to work day
Talkers that want to engage more actively in learning that recruit listeners as a way to facilitate active learning
Listening Stone pals (like pen pals)
Harnessing the power of listening without needing people to be skilled at being good listeners
I have a friend who often mentions that they find me skilled at listening and that they would really appreciate being able to be a better listener themselves. I wonder if having experiences with being a silent witness could help my friend become a better listener.
If the rule is simply that the listener remain silent, that can make things much easier for people not only in the moment but likely in the future as well. This is a way the listener can get to have experiences of what it's like to listen. Seeing how things unfold when all that has been offered is listening will provide experiences of what can be made possible by the power of listening. These experiences can yield a lasting impression that can help the listener to develop a proclivity for making the choice to listen more in the future.
Many easy ways to recruit Listeners
Listening Stone mode needn't last more than a couple minutes. In general with Listening Stone conversations, there are a lot of ways to have it so that you're not asking very much of the listener, including it not needing to take up much time.
For me, I’ve had a listener that I’ve sent emails to. What I asked of the listener was to simply respond to the emails with “I read your email." Simply having someone I was sending emails to was a game changer for me.
Whatever the case may be, whether the situation is thinking through a minor or a major life decision, talking through where you’re stuck with something you’re trying to write, or wondering how you might be able to handle a delicate situation gracefully, there are many ways to harness the power of including someone else in your process. The next section lists some examples of support you could request from listeners.
Kinds of support
- whatever is on my mind support
- feeling stuck support
- as if talking to an expert support (can help you prepare to talk to an actual expert)
- taking regular pitstops along the way with you support (for someone working on a long-term project, like a term paper, a book, or a thesis)
- don't feel like it support (including before you're ready to start support)
- to get even more support that complements the support you get from a partner or an advisor/mentor
When to recruit a listener
You might consider the following situations and triggers that alert you.
- becoming aware that you're procrastinating
- spending more than 5 minutes on one sentence (both if you're reading or writing)
Listening Stone conversations from the Listener's perspective
Listeners recruiting Talkers
I've talked about Listening Stone conversations in terms of talkers recruiting listeners. But, listeners can also recruit talkers. For example, listeners that have retired from their careers can be of service to young talkers. One thing this could help with is with finding talkers that they can be normal mentors to or normal friends with.
Doing job shadowing is another reason listeners might have for recruiting talkers. If someone is wondering about what it would be like to be in a certain career field, sometimes they arrange to shadow/follow a person around on the job to experience what the job is like. One way to do job shadowing is to have times where you serve as a listener for the person you are shadowing.
We can all use more meaningful action in our lives. Listening Stone conversations give listeners a way to have more meaningful action, and to connect with more people, and with more different people. Listeners get to develop listening skills by getting to witness the power of listening as they make choices (in the Listening Stone setups that have choices to be made) about when to do things like mirror back what they've heard and when to offer questions, and as they learn to ask questions that are more of a listening nature.
Windows into Talkers' Worlds and into Listeners' Own Worlds
Listeners get to have windows into talkers' world and windows into their own worlds. They can get 3rd party perspectives on issues of their own when they are witnessing similar issues for others. They get to see people's insides and hear people's self talk.
For me, I've found it empowering to see how effective it is when we are better able to explore our own ideas for ourselves. I've found it reassuring to watch people say things to themselves that I would've wanted to say to them (if I weren't being a silent witness). When I first tried providing silent support, it did seem a little crazy to me. Really, you don't say anything at all to the talker? But, seeing that what I wanted to tell them would sometimes come out of their mouths helped me trust more in this process that seemed a bit crazy to me. They know, too. They are able to help themselves, too. I found it empowering to see how we have the wisdom to help ourselves.
These experiences remind me that what I want to do is hold the space with compassion and trust for the talker, knowing how empowering giving that kind of support can be (both for me to witness and for the talker to receive) and knowing that getting it is all too rare.
Connecting more and connecting differently
Here is an excerpt from the book You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy:
- To research this book, I interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata, experts and nonexperts, about listening. ...
- It was extraordinary how many people told me they considered it burdensome to ask family or friends to listen to them--not just about their problems but about anything more meaningful than the usual social niceties or jokey banter.
What could help to change this? Would it help if people could say "Can we do a Listening Stone conversation? Would you mind being my listener for five minutes?" and have people know what this meant? What if asking this or offering this was as easy as asking a kid to give you a high five or a fist bump?
I encourage you to imagine and experiment with the possibilities.
- Brian W. Kernighan & Rob Pike, The Practice of Programming, Addison-Wesley (1999)